The Lounge of the Adventurer – lots of randomness with sprinkles made of comedy and a filling of our finest quality spite

The Hawking Solution

[Satirical essay written for British Literature class.]

In this modern society, a problem has arisen that will affect the status of this city, this state, this nation, this earth as a whole. Constantly, as I walk the streets of a city, I see people living on welfare checks, sucking money from the teat of the nation, picking the once-glorious country fully clean. They are useless bodies, filling up space, taking up food, being fully irritating to the populus.

The solution, it seems, is thus.

While the purpose of these people is as yet unrealised, they can be further converted into much better citizens and workers to help humanity. Conversion, however, is not something so simple as retraining these useless bodies into another job, which would require a large amount of money that would go into education, which would have no effect on these displaced persons.

It is also a commonly known problem that the current status of the nation involves a lack of sufficient energy – this is shown especially during the summer seasons, when brownouts and blackouts occur due to insufficient power supply caused by suddenly increased demand.

There has been a sort of a lucky correlation between the amount of displaced persons during summer seasons and the amount of required power to sustain air conditioning units.

Therefore, I propose taking homeless people and converting into a renewable energy source. A group of fertile displaced persons will be farmed and fed on cheap high-carbon foods, so as to produce additional burnable carbon that will be used in specially designed low-pressure turbines. Humans are naturally high-carbon creatures, which allows us to burn easily and readily, similarly to peat or other rather low-density carbon-type burnables.

Human waste also contains high amounts of carbon. It has been heard that in at least the United Kingdom, supposedly this welfare group is, and I quote, “full of crap”. In India and other nations, they use dried dung of elephants and other animals as a burnable fuel source. I suspect we would be able to reap the same benefits from the lower class.

However, we consist also of water. This is good, since water is required in steam turbines to be boiled and used to turn low-sensitivity turbines. Using the water in humans, which is surprisingly easily drained, allows not only this water to come into the system, but to allow drier burnable humans as well.

This is the only way that displaced persons can pay their debt to once-glorious nations in the world, as they would be unable to be reconditioned to any other good for society, being fully lazy creatures, in the case of the United Kingdom’s “chavs”, as they are known. Their only good, it seems, is a forced good – to pay back the government in some way, this way.

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ABOUT THE HAWKING CHILD

My name is Daniel Hawking.

There are three fractions that make up this persona.

One of which is sealed closed via the physical realm of the world. One of which is unlocked via the medium known as the Internet. One of which is standing tall, watching over the wondrous horizon in front of him.

Of the first, this is the one most who have met me see, the one shunned, the one unappreciated, the one treated as entertainment instead of a colleague, the one shunted off to the side.

Of the second, only a select few have been able to meet. Coherency and truthful thoughts are the hallmarks of those knowing this fraction, as are trust and belief. Most of the dearest friends know of this section.

Of the third...? Revival of the finest order, as the phoenix of a prince rises from his own ashes. The adventurer, a traveler.

Regardless of fates, this is who I am now.

Daniel Hawking. Prince of Aralonia.

One of many.

A representative of Aralonia.

Together, the collective mindset of a nation.

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