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Archive for April 2008

Posted on: 25 April 2008

My neck hurts more than usual.

Aircraft designing is fun.

I need more sleep.

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[Another warning. Please don’t read this entry if you don’t want to. I’m really not sure as to what you’d feel after reading this, but just… be careful, alright? I mean… I want you to read this so you know how I’m feeling as I’m writing it, but if it’s just going to be a problem with you or something… don’t bother. I’m putting this down just so that I can get it out.]

I love Ally because (among other things) of all the people I’ve met, she was the first one to care, and she cared well.  She was a brilliant, wonderful, astonishing, beautiful, marvelous girl, and I am still glad that I ever met her. But… I started to run her patience thin and didn’t treat her nearly as well as I should have. And… I’m sorry.

You look like her, and sound like her – probably move like her and smell like her too, same bone, muscular, organic structure as her. But for some reason, you don’t… you don’t feel like her. I mean… physically, you probably do, but… I don’t know. I can tell she’s still in there somewhere – Ally, I mean. Somewhere in you. It shows a bit, but… really kinda faintly.

Miss, could you please tell Ally that I’m sorry for it all, and that I’ve been working to change myself? I’m not afraid of it, you know – if anything, the only things I don’t want to change are the foundations of my humanity, my personality. In any case… Yeah, just let her know in the best way possible, alright? If anything else… could you ask her to come back for a bit? I’d like to apologise to her personally instead of through you, but… If her return would be just to say goodbye, then don’t bother with it at all.

…If I’ve been blinded to the point that it’s actually you standing there instead of… some other woman, then… I don’t know.

…I’ve shared so many, so, so many good memories with Ally… please let her know for me that I still cherish every single one of them, still remember as many as I can… still replay them in my head because I miss them.

Ally… I love you. I miss you. .__. please come back.

All my love,

Daniel

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I guess I really have been unhappy recently. It’s not really your fault, though – it’s just the combination of everything that’s beeen previously dragging me down, but with less strength of keeping me afloat coming from you, I’m sinking.

– – –

I’m such an idiot fool. Sometimes I “feel” random brushings or feelings against me – my hair, my hand, my face, my skin – and I think it’s you trying to brush up against me.

There is no magic in this world. It’s impossible that it could be you.

And who’s to say that you’d still even want to touch me? I don’t know that. I really don’t.

It’s just my imagination, and it’s just me wanting you to do something for me. Not you, in actuality, wanting to or doing anything for me. It’s just… selfishness and stupidity again.

– – –

Before I fall asleep, I talk to those pillows… I act to those pillows as if they were you. And I feel so guilty about it. I… I pretend the things that I’d want you to do for me, but nowadays the things I want you to do for me whenever I’m unhappy are the opposite of what you actually do… so I might as well not try anymore because it’s no use and everything would be wrong, wrong, wrong.

…I came to the realisation that it’s me who wants to collapse and throw myself around you and tell you “I love you, Ally,” instead of you collapsing on me and throwing yourself around me and telling me “I love you, Daniel.” It’s…

I’m just a damn fool.

– – –

So far, the only thing that has possibly brought a smile to my face today is the fact that the name “Miri” is a legitimate first name for a girl.

I just hope I can smile more today.

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ABOUT THE HAWKING CHILD

My name is Daniel Hawking.

There are three fractions that make up this persona.

One of which is sealed closed via the physical realm of the world. One of which is unlocked via the medium known as the Internet. One of which is standing tall, watching over the wondrous horizon in front of him.

Of the first, this is the one most who have met me see, the one shunned, the one unappreciated, the one treated as entertainment instead of a colleague, the one shunted off to the side.

Of the second, only a select few have been able to meet. Coherency and truthful thoughts are the hallmarks of those knowing this fraction, as are trust and belief. Most of the dearest friends know of this section.

Of the third...? Revival of the finest order, as the phoenix of a prince rises from his own ashes. The adventurer, a traveler.

Regardless of fates, this is who I am now.

Daniel Hawking. Prince of Aralonia.

One of many.

A representative of Aralonia.

Together, the collective mindset of a nation.

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