This… is just so horrible I have to put it under a hide. I’m not even posting it on Parallax Stars.

Prompt: Write a scene driven by off-stage interaction.

It Ain’t Easy

[The scene is a living room. Basic. Standard. Couch, sofa, armchairs, lamps, decorations. It doesn't matter what else is there, as long as there's at least a couch, a coffee table in front of the couch, and a place for a television to go in front of the coffee table, but with no television on it. Everything in this scene takes place off stage. As the scene change begins, the only person in the room is JAMES, who has his feet on the table in front of the sofa and apparently watching the television (audience) with rapt attention, remote in hand. There are also grunting noises coming from next door. JAMES appears as if he's trying as hard as he can not to pay attention to what's going on to the right.]

ROBERT: Push, dammit! Take it!

[Grunting noises and, basically, heavy breathing are heard. Loudly.]

ANDY: I didn’t think it would be this hard!

ROBERT: Yeah, well, that’s what everyone says their first time, y’know?

ANDY: I read the instructions online and everything on that one wiki…

ROBERT: Doesn’t matter! It’s all about the experience and the feel!

[By the way, this whole time, James is just flipping channels. Feel free to react in any way, so long as it's closer to exasperation and not disgust. This isn't the first time things like this have happened.]

ANDY: Feel… man, what? I have no ide- AAAAARGH!

ROBERT: It’s your fault! Pass the oil, man, we need it to be more slippery!

ANDY: Man, I don’t know if that’ll fit in there anymore. I mean, just look at it. It’s all… I don’t even know how to describe that anymore.

ROBERT: Yeah, I know what you mean. That’s pretty gruesome… But we’ve gone this far, we’ve got to take it to the end!

ANDY: What?! What are you talking about? It’s ruined! It’s gone! We have to turn bac– What are yo– That doesn’t go in the– OH, HELL!

[Right before ANDY's ardent cry, there is the sound of basically a hand slapping flesh.]

ROBERT: Oh crap, did I get it in your eye? Sorry, but you know how it is, don’t you?

ANDY: No! I don’t! This is stupid. Why aren’t we doing this somewhere else, anyways?

ROBERT: Haven’t you seen it on TV? The kitchen is totally the best place to do this!

ANDY: If there’s going to be such a bloody mess everywhere, isn’t the bathroom or the shower better?

ROBERT: You make a fair point. We could go over there. But we look absolutely indecent. I mean, we’re already messed up enough.

ANDY: Yeah, you’re right… you know what, forget it. Let’s just finish this off.

ROBERT: That’s the spirit, cowboy! Yee-haw!

[Loud grunting is heard as JAMES rolls his eyes and leans back on the couch, looking at the ceiling, looking for an answer from whatever deity's bored enough to listen. As the grunting gets louder and louder, there's suddenly a very loud pop sound. From the doorway on the right, a ready-to-cook chicken comes sailing into the room, trailing stuffing, and lands with a splat on the floor behind JAMES. He merely rolls his eyes and continues paying rapt attention to the television. There is a beat before the next line.]

ANDY: I wasn’t expecting that.

ROBERT: You know, I wasn’t either.

[ANDY and ROBERT walk back into the room, wearing DANGER: MEN COOKING aprons, covered in blood, stuffing, sauces, and other various junk. They are indeed quite the mess, and it seems like they just walked out of a culinary explosion. ROBERT is wearing safety goggles. JAMES delivers his first line entirely deadpan, without looking at the two bedraggled survivors.]

JAMES: Takeout again?

==AUTHOR’S NOTES

ROBERT is a joker. He sounds cocky and confident. He says things to be taken entirely out of context, regardless of what the situation actually calls for. His jokes set things in motion.

ANDY plays the unwitting straight man to ROBERT. He sounds whiny and confused. Very, very confused. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know what he says, so it ends up that he just makes the jokes worse. Oh gods, this has bad characterisation written all over it

JAMES doesn’t really say anything.

They are trying to cook a holiday turducken. But it’s not like the audience knows that.